| Happy Again |
[21 Sep 2004|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
Music:Snow Patrol!Run
Not really into Xanga anymore sorry I really am not even into going online nothing to do and no one to really talk to. Sorry guys I really do miss you all. Will I am a girl now will I always been but I look and dress like one now. So that is cool get my nails done and have cute outfits it is cool. Me and Jon are doing great. Jon's Mom is helping me find a job so that is cool I really need and want one. And she got so much stuff for the wedding it is great she is really helping us a lot. I love her. Me and Jon have a date cuz we needed to pick one so we can get shit ready we are getting wedding Oct. 22, 2005 it is going to be here in warrnington not New York so that is better. Been talking to Kevin again that is cool thing are not odd like I thought they would be. We are not really friends we just talk here and there it is good. Anyway Jon got me bunnies PeanutButter, Blue Jeans, and Snow Ball still have PeanutButter. Gave Blue Jeans away cuz he really did not like people so yea I did one I can just hold. Snow Ball I loved she was so small and cute and you can hold he forever. She would gave you kisses to omg I miss her so much. You passed away on Saturday the 18 2004 I cried so much. I know it sounds gay but I do not know she was like my baby. Jon got me another one it is black and white he is ok I still love my first baby PeanutButter. Here is pic. of my first three. I love and miss you.
~*Baby Girl*~
The white one is SnowBall and then blue kinda gary is blue Jeans
How much I miss my snow ball 
And this is my baby PeanutButter
I love PB he is so fucking cute
|
|
| I Hope you Pay For What You Did To Me... |
[20 May 2004|12:48am] |
Fuck you for hurting me like this. Fuck you for making me who I am. Fuck you for making me feel like I am nothing. Fuck you for making me want to die. Fuck you for being the asshole that you are. I hope that you feel the pain I feel right now. And lets see how much you fucking like. Never fucking say you love me and then go and hurt me. If you leave me remember you are taking everything with you, my heart and soul. FUCK YOU KEVIN!!!!
~*Meggy*~
|
|
| "My Heart bleeds for what you never did" |
[02 May 2004|01:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
SugerCult "Memory" |
] |
Kevin dumped me on 4*20*04. I thought I was doing ok. I was doing ok. But now I think it is starting to hit me that I lost him. I love him so much and am so in love with him. He was and will be forever my everything. He knows me inside out. He knows my body, soul, mind and heart. I miss and love him so much. We belong together so much and I know he knows it. I think he is scared of what he feels for me. So he did what he dose best he want away. I hope he sees what he gave up. I hope he feels the pain I do right now. I hope he crys himself to sleep like me. Dose he understand what he did to me. I cut two times that is it that is fucking great for me and now I feel like cutting again. I am trying not to but it looks like I am losing. I am losing hope for everything right now. I am in this black hole and the only one that can get me out really dose not care I am there. I love you so fucking much Kevin. Please stop this pain.
~*Megan*~
|
|
| "There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how... " |
[15 Mar 2004|12:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hoobastank " The Reason" |
] |
Ok I have been hurting and being upset more now and I really do not know why. Me and Kevin are doing some what good. I am so happy with him and I am so in love with him but I feel he really does not love or is happy with me, even though he tells me he is. But still I hate how I think this way. It makes me feel crazy and then I just feel bad and shit. But then I need to start thinking of shit it does that he never did before. Like Kevin cried maybe 7 times his whole life and now was over a girl. But in a year of being with me and being my friend he has cried about 15 times. Then Kevin never cum in people he had sex with I mean if he did he would get all whatever and that is with him not meaning to. But 3 times he asked me if he could. Like he wanted to it is not like I asked him and he would not do that with anyone else. Kevin always tells me that I am the miss piece that makes him whole. And he wants to be with me forever and stuff like that. And he can see himself with me forever and we belong together. And I really think that the same thing. I really feel like we belong together. And I know he makes me whole like I really do not even want to think about what my life would be without him. I do not even want to think what would happen to me if I lost him forever. I do not think I could live so what I so is true. I really want to hold Kevin forever. Ok like I am not saying I want to marry him in a week. But I know he is the one I want to marry. And the thing is that I am 20 years old and I want to start my life and I want to be with the person that I am going to be with forever. So I want to know from Kevin is that if he is just saying that he wants to be with me and we belong to just cuz he feels like he should cuz we are dating and he is in love with me. So what I feel and thinking is if Kevin does not feel there is a 90% chance we will make it and get married one day. Then maybe we should not really be together. Cuz then I need to find the person that wants to be with me. And I am sorry if I sounds like a bitch I really am not I am so in love with him. And it is not like I am asking him to marry me now. I just want him to think and tell me if he feels later on that I will be the one he marries. And then he said he might be going to prom and I got all mad at him and I do feel bad for getting mad. But ok first of all he does not want to go. So I do not feel that bad. But then he said his Mom wants him to so he might have to go. And I do feel bad for saying this. But he a. does not go or b. goes with me. Cuz if he goes with someone else or goes by himself. Then he will lose me. I will dump him in a heart beat. But the only way I will go is if he really wants to and his mom is really making him go. And I feel bad but the first time we dated he want to a dance with some girl then want away with her for the weekend. And then this time dating he had a girl sleep over. And if I would have done any of that then he would have dumped me he even said that. So that is what I feel and I am going to go by it. ( More Entry Under Here )
|
|
| "A girl will always remember her first love no matter how many guys come after" |
[09 Mar 2004|04:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Yellow Card "Miles Apart" |
] |
Will I talked to Kevin last night and he said I could talk to Dave but now I cannot talk to Gary and that is ok cuz I love talking to Dave. And will I can live without Gary. Then I am not talking to Brittany anymore she is nothing but a little slut that needs to just die. And she better not even think we will be friends again cuz we will not be. I am done being friends with people like her. Kevin is not going to dump me he is so in love with me so I do not know why I was thinking that. I just really do not want to lose him and I am so in love with him. The other night I was thinking about when I fall in love with him and then the time I fall more in love with him. God I am so in love my heart is whole again I think I am starting to like it. And I really think he is going to change or I hope so. We talked from 8-9pm and then 11:30pm-2:15am so I am happy about that. But I mean what I said before if I do not see or talk to him more we will not make it. But he said there is a 99.9% chance he will be coming Friday till Sunday so I am happy about that. And then on Friday we are going to do something and not just sit around the house so that makes me happy. I hope he calls me more and I hope he stops hanging out girls so much knowing it hurts me so much. I just wish I could tell him everything that hurts or upsets me cuz I think even if I just told him that he would stop like I would not even have to ask. But I am scared that if he feels like he is losing to much to be with me he will dumped me and that is why I pick crying all night over losing him. Grrrr Anyway I want to the bank I had $14.07 in coins. So now I have $22.50 in my bank I am happy about that. Hey it is a start right?? Then me and my sister want to go take our driving test and me both did not pass. Grrr I really want to so I can see Kevin more. But then I just got a ID card so now if I need someone that I need to be 18 for I can show them I am 20. So I am happy about that. I got the guts to show Kevin one of the poems I wrote for him he says he likes it but he is just being nice it sucks. I think I will post it in here. Ok I am going to go call Dave and eat I will talk to you all later. 5 more days to me and Kevin's 2 month. YAY!!!!
( More Entry Under Here )
|
|
| "You're never there for me, you suck the life out of me" |
[07 Mar 2004|04:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cold "Don't Belong" |
] |
I really do not know how I am feeling right now. I mean I feel a little better but I do not know if that is cuz I know everything is ok with me and Kevin like I feel it. Or cuz I have been talking to Dave who makes me laugh. We talked from 10pm-2am last night and then today from 2pm-4:30pm today. And I just have been laughing the whole time. I hope me and Kevin are ok I hope he has not been lying to me. I love him so much and I thought he was so in love with me. And he wanted to be in this for the long run. I really hope he changes and I need to talk and see him more. I mean talking to him 30 min.s a day and seeing him one day every other weekend is not cutting it for me. So I do not know. And then he hangs out with girls every fucking day all day. And I mean if I did that with guys he would be so upset so how dose he think I feel. I do not know. I hope he loves me and I hope we make it. Anyway I have to go to work soon. I hope Kevin texts me. I feel kinda sick I really do not want to go but I have to. Beside all that I meet this guy Randy in yahoo he is really cool. We are going to meet in person some time this week so that will be fun. Ok that is it for now.
~*MeGgY*~
|
|
| "I hurt myself, to see if I still feel" |
[06 Mar 2004|01:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
NIN "Hurt" |
] |
I feel kinda hurt right now. I mean someone is telling me stuff about Kevin and he is not come to ask if it is right. So I am upset about that. I mean I hope he loves me and would do anything to keep us together cuz that is how I feel about him. I am so in love with him. I want to be with him for a long time. I just really need to talk to him. And then tonight I wanted to go out to eat with my sister Jen but she want out with friends and that is ok cuz I want her to have a good time. But I just wanted to eat with her just me and her. But it is ok I hope she had a good time. I just what her to have fun. I just wish she would chill with me more. I love her so much and I like spending time with her. But whatever it is ok.
~*MeGgY*~
|
|
| "Love is nothing but a painful memory that lingers endlessly in the back of your mind." |
[05 Mar 2004|08:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Yellow Card "Ocean Avenue" |
] |
I have not wrote in here in forever. I am doing ok I guess. I have been working a lot on the 28th it will be 5 months since I started PathMark I am a cashier there it is cool. And I like it but there is a lotof people there that fucking piss me off so much I mean there is no reason to hate me but they do and I hate people like that. But I do like some people and I like it. I make about $7.00 an hour. I am hoping to get another job to. Then me and my family are ok. I see my older sister more now I sleep over her house about 3 times a week and that is good cuz I like to see her and get away from my house. Me and my Mom are ok I guess we fight a lot but we always did. Then me and Jen are good. But I am worried about her I mean she dose not go to school and she just dose not seem to care about anything anymore. And I know she can be something great and I am not even going to sit here and say if she tried cuz she dose not have to. Things come to her so much better then me. I do not know anything she cannot do. I wish I was like her so much. But it pisses me off that I had to try to pass high school and she dose not have to and she is failing. I believe in her so much and I hope she knows I am always there for her. She really is my best friend and my sister. I wish there was more people she trusted and more people that were there for her. Cuz what if something happen to me she would be all alone and I do not want that for her. I want her to be happy and be something great. Beside that I made a lot of friend but then I am not friends with a lot of people anymore. But that is the for the best. I stopping gagging and cutting. So I am happy about that. I feel better. I am now 20 my b-day was a month ago. There is really not much to say. I am going to ask my sister to do a new layout for me so then I will write more cuz I will like it more. Ok that is it for now.
( More Entry Under Here )
|
|
| Is It Ok To Want you This Bad???? |
[16 Jan 2004|01:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Senses Fail "One Eight Seven Lyrics" |
] |
On 1-14-04 at 4pm Kevin asked me back out. The last time I was this happy was March 19, 2003 at 2am. LOL I love how I know all this. I am just so happy I really think we will be better cuz we know each other more and we are best friends now. And we know what we did wrong last time so now we can fix it. I really think we will last. We both hope we do and want to so I think we are good to go here. He is coming this weekend so I am happy about that and then I am sick so he is going to take care of me. I love him so much. He means everything to me. Beside that I stop going to Wawa I want one day and was like fuck this shit. So now I just work at PathMark but I am going to look for another job to. Grrr I feel so sick. Then his bitch ass slut alana should die. She fucked with my old Xanga and delete everything in there. I am so fucking pisses I will find a way to get her back. No one and I mean no one fucks with me and gets away with it. I am done for now I will post more later.
~*MeGgY*~
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
xblack_heartx's journal